A River Runs Through It

Flow is a feeling I crave now. I know what its like to have it. And I know what its like not to. I became conscious of the flow of energy when I stumbled upon the great yoga scene in my days in LA. A line 100 deep of people clad in stretch pants holding rolled up mats would be lined up to get into a good instructors class. Casually mention the word yoga to someone in the City of Angels and they will gladly give you the low down on the hot new instructor that inevitably has a name like "Shanti" or "Shiva". Then I, always intrigued by the edgy, would find myself in that very line wrapped around a cozy brick studio in the posh Santa Monica or the artsy Venice Beach. It was in those candle lit rooms, the sound of sweat dripping like rain onto mats all around me, body contorted into positions with some beautifully obsolete Sanscrit name, breath matching my movements, and mind calmed that the flow began. The sultry Earth energy flows up through your body meeting the airy energy from the Heavens breaking free all the blocks in your body. Your own energy begins to swirl and flow as it was meant to. Free, if only for an hour, from the self limitations we place on ourselves. Divine messages, creative ideas, a sense of purpose infiltrate your body. The trick now, is to take that feeling off the mat and into the world; easier said than done. Needless to say, I was back the next week, and the next. Along with all the other soul seekers addicted to Vinyasa Flow.

I took that newfound flow and my ability to tap into it for granted until one day, heavy with child, I realized nothing was flowing in or out of me. All my life's energy was trapped, swirling around in my belly, sustaining my daughter's life. Its necessary state, but definitely not sought after. Grounded firmly with Mother Earth, I was completely unable to let my spirit soar with the winged ones. I was only allowed to take one breath a time. One day at a time. And in the end, one hour at a time. I craved flow.

There have been many times, looking back in my life, I've stood in my own way. Damming up my own flowing river. I've fought the Universe. Fought God. Overstayed my visa making once familiar lands suddenly foreign. A dam can be a powerful thing, creating enough energy to light up entire cities. But then again, if your needing to light something up, you must be in a very dark place. I certainly have been in those dark places. Til the levee broke.

My life now is full of abundance. One thing about the absence of flow, is the furry of its return. When you allow and embrace the flow of energy back into your life it takes all forms. Debt is erased. Pockets are full. Bellies are satiated. Hearts full of love and breasts full of milk. Wombs flow in anticipation of new life. Inner peace reminiscent of a Buddhist teaching permeates your being. The elusive intangibles Joy, Wisdom and Compassion show up on your doorstep. It will inevitably someday ebb but for now I'm riding the current in search of my own oceanic panacea.

Riders On The Storm

"Take shelter my Child,
In the Heart of the Creator.
Let Him hold You through
The night of Your life's storms.
Let the raindrops bring you rainbows."




Safely on the other side of my pregnancy, I am filled with joy. But I shall not forget the deep and intense journey that led me to this place of symbiotic joy between myself, my husband and my sweet child. I will keep the storms of the past year buried deep for safe keeping in case I need to pull strength from them in a future moment of weakness.

The following journal entry at 35 weeks pregnant memorializes the reverence of my nine month "perfect storm":

"Storms have been in my dreams throughout my pregnancy. I used to see them as bad omens but now I see the beauty. The storms are symbolism for birth.

Storms are strong and fierce. They are from nature with no control from us. We can make an estimate on its arrival and intensity but we're never certain. Storms make beautiful sounds that make people want to cuddle in bed; make love. They scare some people and cause anxiety. Without precautions, they can be dangerous.

They are wet like the amniotic fluid that flows freely or the sacred water birth. Storms bring the rains that lead to the blessings of life: Grass, Crops, Flowers, Drinking Supply. Just as the storm of labor brings the blessing of a chid that will flower and grow and bring joy and fulfillment to all around it.

Storms create a certain mood and have a darkness lit only briefly with lightning. Like a candle lit labor room. Storms can have eyes, with total calmness. Like the utter peace that comes over a laboring woman after her body has completely opened and before she begins the momentous task of pushing a new soul into the world with all her might.

Storms are universal; As is creation, gestation, childbirth and the love that precedes all those. Each are in every city. In every county. On every continent. They don't discriminate and are essential to all life forms. Storms & Childbirth. Each are to be revered. Each we're glad to have passed."